‘This is the life!’ sighs the Nearly-Beloved, sipping his complementary cup of East Midlands Railway tea, ‘No airport chaos, no security cattle pens and no idiots trying to find their seats.’
I nod in half-hearted agreement, thinking of the not so cheap or fast journey ahead. Still, it means I can get some eco-points and ‘green brag’ about my city break in a boutique Amsterdam hotel. Plus, a special first-class deal ensures that we won’t be sitting in the corridors or perched on the luggage rack. My Yorkshire thrift is trying to make the most of this upgrade. So, I’ve already commandeered two bottles of fizzy water, four packets of biscuits and a bumper pack of crisps from the buffet trolley whilst awaiting our hot breakfast buns.
To my surprise, we arrive on the dot at St. Pancras, saunter through security checks and passport control and settle down in Euro-Star’s near empty lounge to await our connection. Maybe for once the Nearly-Beloved is right. ‘Train travel is so civilised,’ I message the Family WhatsApp.
But, oh, why did I press ‘send’? The moment I do, the board announces a 10-minute delay on all outbound trains, that goes up incrementally, just like the travellers overflowing the waiting area. When the seething masses force passport control to close for safety reasons, there is a brief respite. Then there is an announcement that our driver is making the final checks. The Nearly-Beloved, who likes to be ahead of the game, leaps up in readiness. ‘If we head for the escalator now, we’ll be first on,’ he says determinedly, yanking me up. But his excitement is short-lived as, minutes later, we are informed of a ‘police incident’ on our train and, now, with no seats, we are forced to ‘stretch our legs’ for over an hour.
Eventually technical and criminal issues are sorted and, with cramping calves, I board the train, turning right into carriage D. Except it is carriage C. So, I quickly turn left into the glowering face of the Nearly-Beloved, who frogmarches me towards my seat. He is not happy and any lingering vestige of cheerfulness disappears when we are informed that there is a limited buffet service.
Thank goodness for my bag of edibles! But as we cross the border, this morning’s sausage buttie decides it is not compatible with stress, shortbread and salt‘n’vinegar, so bids ‘Au revoir’ as we exit Lille. At least the ‘eau gazeuse’ stays down and the journey through Belgium passes without mishap. That is until ten minutes outside Brussels a rumour circulates amongst the savvy Dutch that the train is going to terminate there. Surely this is misinformation? Unfortunately, not! An incomprehensible tannoy message in three languages leaves us none the wiser, so we tag on to those misinformers and head to platform 8, then platform 4 until we finally strike lucky at platform 6 and clamber on to a local train to Amsterdam.
This sets off promptly but grinds to a halt five miles later, due to ‘unidentified objects on the line.’ By now the Nearly-Beloved has lost his love of train travel and is soon to lose his love of bougie accommodation when he is informed by phone that the hotel staff will shortly be shutting up shop for the evening, so our key will be left in … At this point the train jolts forward into a tunnel and phone service is cut off. It reconnects briefly at the other end to stutter ‘chocolate box,’ a series of garbled numbers and a rather inopportune, ‘Have a good stay!’
Thank goodness then for those helpful Dutch fellow-sufferers, who manoeuvre our suitcases over the turnstile at Amsterdam South station when our tickets to Amsterdam Central are spat out in disgust. And thank goodness for the Nearly-Beloved’s excellent sense of direction, which takes us to the correct street and a wall-mounted safe opposite a Chocolate Shop. And thank goodness for my linguistic skills that help crack the code to the hotel and a quirky room with complementary bottle of wine.
As the Sauvignon Blanc starts to work its magic, I sigh, ‘This is the life,’ whilst inwardly vowing to ditch my green credentials, forego any future train trips and refrain from all WhatsApp messaging.